Somewhere around six thirty this morning, a Younger Human came downstairs (not really downstairs, just down the stairs, the house has two different ground-levels with stairs in the middle). Marshall jumped on her and she started scratching him. Then an Older Human called Marshall onto the bed. And so the weekend begins.
The Younger Human messed around in the kitchen for a while before anyone else got up. I sat and wagged at her to no effect. At some point, she got out a yellow plastic bottle and tried to take the top off, at the same time trying to hide away from it. Humans. She was muttering stuff about ‘stupid oil’ and ‘stupid bottle manufactures’. She pulled back even more as the top came off, as if she expected it to explode. Upon nothing happening, she finally leaned down and tickled under my chin. Her hands were freezing. Humans. Then she lifted the bottle. It started to drip. Onto my head. That stuff isn’t water. It is disgusting and Marshall wouldn’t lick it off. At this point, I realize that the same stuff is now under my chin. On the human’s hand. Stupid oil bottle manufacturers.
Then an Older Human came and took the bowl that the Younger Human was messing with. It had Edible Stuff in it! It was put over the stove and, by some miracle, Crumpets were present! Humans. Miracle-workers. At this point, I meet my new co-worker.
The Younger Human ran upstairs, apparently trying not to tough the tiled floor. She returned hopping very slowly. I was on the other side of the kitchen island, and unable to determine the fault. She produced a mini-beanbag (not anything compared to my bed) and put it in the Buzzy White Warmbox. By now I had managed to migrate around the island. On her feet stood a shoe. Not just any Shoe. It was fluffy. It was pink. It had a thing sticking out the front, a spirally shiny spike. It was huge. But most of all, it was A shoe. One. With two feet in.
The now-warm beanbag was shoved in. The Younger Human said I was meeting my competition. That although I was warmer, I was also stinkier and had something strange on my head and under my chin. Competition! As if. Do they think I like then shoving their freezing toes under me? I gave it a close up sniff. It’s the thing that’s been living under her desk for a year. I think it was a joke present, a weird unicorn slipper thing (AKA Unislip – one unicorn slipper). I smells amazing: feet and old ex-lavender scented beanbag. And warm. I buried my nose in it. Now it also smells of doggified Canola Oil.
All the humans gathered to eat the Crumpets. Just to remind you, I have not yet had breakfast. All I got was a lump of frozen butter that fell off a knife. One of the humans said they were surprised I liked the Unislip. That I must be losing some baseless puppy suspicions. Ha. That’s all they know. Yes. I’m older and wiser, so there’s no way I’m gonna let that monster know I’m onto it until I have some hard incriminating evidence. Because I want to know: Where did my crumpets go?
oh and ps I had to have a bath today
-Chloë the basset