Humans are Astounding, Strange Creatures. Yesterday, ours took Marshall and me to a New Park. It is mostly water.
It’s not like they even let me swim in the water. At first, this was fine. But then, well, it Was Not.
First, before we even went into the park, I Face-Planted when the big loose rocks slipped under my paws. These Rocks were in the path, the path of Loose Sneezy Dirt.
As soon as we went through the Gate (this is Clearly an Inferior Park, ours don’t have such Horrible Gates), I was allowed to bravely begin a dramatic hunt. My prey, witty and sly, was the Fisherman’s Bait Box.
I crouched even lower. I engaged Slinky Mode, where I Slink quietly and unnoticeably while also looking like a Slinky. I advanced towards the delicious white bucket. But suddenly, as I was about to pounce, the Fisherman opened his mouth. And not to take a bite of his Bait.
‘Awww, cute Basset! Come here, girl. You having a nice walk, hey? Awww, girl. Oh!’
Very anti-climatic, although I did get a lot of Ear- and Belly-Rubs. The last of those strange, human syllables was said in shock as Marshall launched at him, determined not to miss out on any attention.
This brief but significant interlude over, we continued with our exploration. Next up, after this flat grassy bit full of Bait Buckets and their guardians, was followed by so Treacherous an Obstacle Course that even Marshall was slowed down slightly.
There were huge fallen trees, twisty roots and branches, and rocks. Thankfully, I have Unrivalled Technical Navigation skills. Dodging, Dipping Diving, I Nobly led the Leash-Holder through the Devious Terrain. She seemed to be having trouble accepting my route planner’s directions. For some reason, she insisted on standing tall on two legs and getting hit from knee to nose with thorny branches that I gracefully trotted under. Humans.
Then came the Streams. Oh, the Streams. The first little trickle was easy enough, because I was allowed to wade through instead of hopping from one rock to another like a little Baby Chicken Scaredy Cat Marshall, who is Terrified of liquid. The main one, However, was a Different Story.
Marshall and his Leash-Holder went first, just to show off. Marshall sprang across the Boulders and straight up the Cliff onto the New Land. (Although since this was the Second Crossing, it was From the New Land to the Original Land)
This Rushing Torrent that some called a Stream was at least three my body length wide, and dotted with Medium Sized Rocks that the Humans used to cross. There was no bank, only a sharp drop. This wasn’t a problem, since I’m used to this from the Normal Park. The problem was the Human’s directions for crossing.
She insisted that I go along the rocks instead of around them in the water. Strangely, the rocks only seemed so thickly present right between the Paths, which left loads of space to avoid them.
I was placed on top of one sharp, wiggly and too small boulder and expected to continue to the next. Humans are Ridiculous!
When I refused, by sitting down/perching on the lump of compressed dirt, two Humans tried to move me to the next. I ended up with my front paws on one rock, my left back paw on another and my last paw on a completely different stone. I hung there Bravely and Heroically, stretched over the Swirling, Beckoning Depths between my legs. The Humans told me to Chill, it was only a Seven Centimetre Drop.
In the End, I Survived – as you can tell. I had Bravely Marched On passed the huge Dam with all of its evil teasing Ducks and allowed myself to be inserted into the Car Boot, only to be inserted into the ‘Shallow’ Baby Pool – ‘To get all that River Mud you picked up from Running in Rivers off’. Now they want me to swim.
– Chloë the Basset Hound